Resurrecting the Joke Thread

I couldn't find it on the "Non-Cigar Related" forums anymore so I'm resurrecting this thread for I need more ammo at the workplace!!!

I'll start

A man is driving down the freeway in Washington D.C. and the traffic is horrible until it comes to a dead stop!
A person comes up to the car and says:
"Terrorists have the Presidient Obama and his wife held hostage in the WhiteHouse and they are demanding $5 Billion Dollars or they will douse our nation's leader with gasoline and burn them!!!"

Man driving: "OH MY GOODNESS!!! HOW CAN I HELP???? WHAT IS EVERYONE ELSE DONATING??"

Man on the Street: "Oh, About a Gallon and a Half......"

Let's bring back the jokes people!!!!!!

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The Kid

Beernfritos:
Some of y'all might have seen this one, but it had me rolling:
HER DIARY
Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY
Motorcycle won't start... Can't figure out why.

Hilarious!!!

gmill880

jgibv:
I can't take credit for this one - I saw this elsewhere online and copy/pasted here...but

What's the difference between your d!ck and your paycheck?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Tell it brother !!!

gmill880

I had to stop jogging because of my health . My thighs kept rubbing together and catching my underwear on fire !

Beernfritos

This one is guarunteed to take up a bit of time reading: http://imgur.com/gallery/HZymF
Its a bit crass, you've been warned.

Toombes

Hey, where can a guy find a legless woman nowadays?

Right where you left her.
I know, I'm going to Hell...

gmill880

Recent survey done about how women view their a$$es .

20% said they were too fat .

10% said they were too thin .

70% said they would marry them all over again LOL !!!

Beernfritos

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jlmarta

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

Toombes

jlmarta:
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

jgibv

Toombes:
jlmarta:
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

hahaha good one.
I got one that's following that same theme.

I was stopped by police around 3 AM the other night and they asked where I was going at that time of night.
I told the officer, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks me "Really, who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

I told him "That would be my wife."

Rob1110

One of my favs:

Why do women have legs?

Have you ever seen the mess a snail makes?

aeon_spiral@yahoo.com

What do you call the moisture between two people having sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity. ...too much :-)

danielzreyes

Two BOTL smoking cigars that were rolled by clowns.
One brother turns to the other and says ... "Does this taste funny to you?"

jlmarta

Did you hear about the gay burglar who couldn't blow the safe so he went down on the elevator???

I know, I know. Pretty bad, right?........

YankeeMan

aeon_spiral@yahoo.com:
What do you call the moisture between two people having sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity. ...too much :-)

That ranks up there with the enternal question... If you get divorced in West Virginia, is she still your sister? Just kidding guys!

jlmarta

After having a few too many at a party, I headed for home. Had no trouble going down the freeway and even found the right off-ramp. At the bottom of the ramp, I made the turn okay and found my street a few blocks later. Turned down my street, doing fine, and was just turning into my driveway when some damned fool stepped on my fingers......

letsgowithbob

what color really confuses gay people?

blue

Please tell me you aren't confused right now.

clearlysuspect

YankeeMan:
aeon_spiral@yahoo.com:
What do you call the moisture between two people having sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity. ...too much :-)
That ranks up there with the enternal question... If you get divorced in West Virginia, is she still your sister? Just kidding guys!

How did the West Virginia farmer find the 2 sheep in the field?

Very pleasing!

What do West Virginia girls and bears have in common?

They both lick their paws!

How do you know the "toothbrush" was invented in West Virginia?

If it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called a "teethbrush."

I was born and raised in Virginia so I have tons of these!

Streater

Wookie Jesus.

jgibv

Streater:
Wookie Jesus.

LOL --- I think our boy darth might want one of those as a dart board

(love the oatmeal comics too btw)

jgibv

Found this while browsing the world wide web earlier...

letsgowithbob

jgibv:
Found this while browsing the world wide web earlier...

I laughed so hard I peed a little

jgibv

letsgowithbob:
I laughed so hard I peed a little

there's more here: CLICK CLICK CLICK (some are much better than others)
enjoy

RBeckom

If you crossed A rooster and A mosquito, what would you have?

I forgot.

Roberto99

Minnesota Border Battle Joke: Why does the Mississippi River flow south? Because Iowa Sucks.

Heavy

Another thread today reminded me of one of my favs, Mitch Hedberg:

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Heavy

One more:

I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. F.uckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.

danielzreyes

Heavy:
Another thread today reminded me of one of my favs, Mitch Hedberg:

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

R.I.P Mitch Hedberg. One of my favs as well. Notice my signature

stephen_hannibal

RBeckom:
If you crossed A rooster and A mosquito, what would you have?

I forgot.

BWA HA HA HA

Heavy

danielzreyes:
Heavy:
Another thread today reminded me of one of my favs, Mitch Hedberg:

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
R.I.P Mitch Hedberg. One of my favs as well. Notice my signature

Hell yes! RIP indeed to the king of the one-liners. JJ posted a thread with a video about govt employees on a broken elevator (at the bottom of this page or maybe on page 2 now) which made me think of Mitch's broken elevator bit, which in turn brought back memories of all his great lines