The maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked; 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh...'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh...'
'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
The maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked; 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh...'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh...'
'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
'No Senora...the gardener did.'c
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
Thats a good one.
This reminded me about the recent issues that Governor Schwarzenegger had with his wife. Many people never heard the true story, it turns out it was started by a misunderstanding. Arnold told his wife, "Maria, the maid is asking for a raise."
For those who don't know, Minecraft is a game where you start out in a deserted world, and build anything you want - you start with nothing, and can build an empire out of dirt, stone, and lava. It's pretty much the ultimate lego's kit, where you can destroy anything you see, or build to the heavens. Definitely a huge timesink, and tons of fun - if you ever played with lego's, this game is for you
I just bought a new dog to guard my house. It was a little more than I thought I should pay but,
I think when word gets out we will be in a relatively crime free neighborhood.
WOMEN
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
To live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions,
and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...
Sorry....
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that ***.
Never mind.
An Old fellow is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff looks and says, "I'm sorry sir, but I must tell you it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know that, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee
through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
Ask and you shall receive… (from another forum)
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.... you can take it orally, or as a suppository; it's up to you !!!
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
But, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but I need you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each *** and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
A 90 year old Irishman (no relation) walks into a Cathouse . The Madaam greets him, and as she is explaing the services offered, The old man slams his cane upon the desk and says "I want the Hottest Wildest woman you have in this here establishment" Well all the girls giggle and the Madaam says "are you sure, that will be xtra?" He says "Darn tooting" The Madaam says, "Well then that would be Sabrina room #8".. The Old man grumbles as he walks off to the room. He gets to the door, raps on it with his cane and enters. There in a swing is Sabrina, the sexiest woman he ever laid his eye on. With a look of disbelief on her face, Sabrina says "Old man are you sure you have got the right room?" He looks at her smiles and says, "Yup darn tootin" He then reaches in his pocket and pulls out what appears to be a medicine bottle,, Sabrina amused thinks to herself, This aught to be fun the old guy cant even get it up on his own, but she is suprised when he starts pulling cotton out of the bottle and sticking it in his nose and then begins to stuff his ears.. Sabrina says, "What in heaven are you doing old man"? The old man grins and says,, "Lookee hear theres two things I hate in this world, and thats the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of rubber burning"!!!Sabrina faints.
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet..
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
Leroy is a 20-year-old 9th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Foreclose - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.
2. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum both.
3. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.
4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to da big house.
5. Penis - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.
6. Israel - Alsonso tried to sell me a Rolex. I said, man dat looks fake. He said damn, dat watch Israel.
7. Catacomb - Don King was at the fight the other night, man somebody oughta give dat catacomb.
8. Undermine - There is a fine looking hoe living in da apartment undermine.
9. Acoustic - When I was liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.
10. Iraq - When we go to da pool hall, I tol my uncle Iraq, you break.
11. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on stain for dinner?
12. Seldom - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom.
13. Honor - At the rape trial, the Judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
14. Odyssey - I tol my brother, you odyssey the t*i*t*s on this hoe.
15. Axe - The policeman wanted to axe me some questions.
16. Tripoli - I was gonna buy my ol'lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a tripoli.
17. Fortify - I axed the hoe how much? She said fortify.
18. Income - I just got in bed with da hoe and income my wife.
Back in the days of the old teletype machines, a very wealthy old guy decides to spend some time at his lakeside cabin but when he gets there he realizes he doesn't have any boats there to fish from. He sends a teletype message to his butler instructing him to ship up 3 punts and a canoe. The butler sends back a message saying, "The girls are on the way. But what the h3ll is a 'panoe'?"
Greg2648's tag line that asks why the Kamikaze pilots wore helmets reminds me of a story I once read about a guy named Yoshiro Teriyake. He was the world's only living Kamikaze pilot. His friends called him "Chicken Teriyake".
Comments
Have her alphabetize M&M's
Maria replied, "That b*tch? F*uck her."
For those who don't know, Minecraft is a game where you start out in a deserted world, and build anything you want - you start with nothing, and can build an empire out of dirt, stone, and lava. It's pretty much the ultimate lego's kit, where you can destroy anything you see, or build to the heavens. Definitely a huge timesink, and tons of fun - if you ever played with lego's, this game is for you
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
To live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions,
and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...
Sorry....
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that ***.
Never mind.
Referring to a package she is expecting “What’s coming in my box!!!”
Walking down the cereal aisle “Captain Crunch has been around for a long time. He should be an admiral or something by now… he must have got a DUI”
Referring to me grooming myself “your like a slightly evolved monkey”
“Don’t Hate!!” (she is a 5ft nothing southern white girl)
As an aside . . . does anyone know if this chick as any video's of her + elmo out? Just asking . . .
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.... you can take it orally, or as a suppository; it's up to you !!!
She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
But, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but I need you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each *** and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Whopper with cheese
what is the diff. between a freezer and a chick that likes it in the tail end
freezer does not fart when you pull the meat out.....
1. Foreclose - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.
2. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum both.
3. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.
4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to da big house.
5. Penis - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.
6. Israel - Alsonso tried to sell me a Rolex. I said, man dat looks fake. He said damn, dat watch Israel.
7. Catacomb - Don King was at the fight the other night, man somebody oughta give dat catacomb.
8. Undermine - There is a fine looking hoe living in da apartment undermine.
9. Acoustic - When I was liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.
10. Iraq - When we go to da pool hall, I tol my uncle Iraq, you break.
11. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on stain for dinner?
12. Seldom - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom.
13. Honor - At the rape trial, the Judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
14. Odyssey - I tol my brother, you odyssey the t*i*t*s on this hoe.
15. Axe - The policeman wanted to axe me some questions.
16. Tripoli - I was gonna buy my ol'lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a tripoli.
17. Fortify - I axed the hoe how much? She said fortify.
18. Income - I just got in bed with da hoe and income my wife.
What do you call a les b ia n eskimo?
A klondike.
*****************
Why did Princess Diana cross the street?
No seat belt.
It was later determined she died of "Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome"
*******************
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman
*******************
Q: What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"?
A: Dr. Dre.
*******************
I used to date a midget....I was nuts over her.
*******************
My girlfriend said she thought I was a pedophile. I said Pedophile!?....
Thats a pretty big word coming from a 6 year old.
I know, I know. My bad.