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Resurrecting the Joke Thread

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  • lilwing88lilwing88 Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,787
    Dug this thread up for a new joke.......

    I asked my uncle what he's doing to enjoy his retirement, given the current financial crisis. He said that working people frequently ask him how he makes his retirement more interesting. He said, "Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' "

    "He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ***-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw that the car had an Obama sticker on it. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age."
  • RedtailhawkozRedtailhawkoz Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,914
    lilwing88:
    Dug this thread up for a new joke.......

    I asked my uncle what he's doing to enjoy his retirement, given the current financial crisis. He said that working people frequently ask him how he makes his retirement more interesting. He said, "Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' "

    "He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ***-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw that the car had an Obama sticker on it. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age."

    ROTFLMAO! GOOD ONE!
  • lilwing88lilwing88 Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,787
  • roland_7707roland_7707 Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,647
    Miss Johnson was in the Dr. office with a younger doctor. all of a sudden she ran out screaming. as she passed an older Dr in the hallway he stopped her and asked what was going on. "he said that I was pregnant" she said. The older Dr storms down the hall to the room with the younger Dr and says " Miss Johnson is 71 years old and has 4 childern and 7 grand children, why did you tell her that she was pregnant?" the younger Dr looks at the older and asks " does she still have the hiccups?"
  • cabinetmakercabinetmaker Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,561
    Took me a second, but good one..
  • xmacroxmacro Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,402


    Demotivational posters - I haz them



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  • DSWarmackDSWarmack Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 1,426
    Why does it keep telling me that I need to register to see this stuff and show me a frozen frog?!?!?!
  • xmacroxmacro Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,402
    I used imageshack, but I never registered; for whatever reason, the pics appear for me
  • DSWarmackDSWarmack Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 1,426
    I registered, but nothing shows... oh well. I surely do LOVE demotivational posters.
  • HaysHays Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,262
    shows for me...some funny chit!
  • DSWarmackDSWarmack Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 1,426
    I think it has something to do with the jacked up internet, oh well Ill look at 'em later
  • xmacroxmacro Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,402
    Posting more funny pics:

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  • xmacroxmacro Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,402
    3 more pics:

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    I'd give at least $20 if I saw a guy with a sign like this, if for no other reason than the sheer inventiveness of it

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    Barney likes the little girls

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  • xmacroxmacro Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,402
    More demotivational posters:

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  • xmacroxmacro Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,402
    From Urban Dictionary

    Victory Salute

    Verb. To dramatically lift the middle finger while refraining from lifting the index, middle, ring, thumb, or pinky fingers. This is also commonly known as 'Flipping Off', 'Giving the bird', 'Flashing Your Sign', or 'Giving the finger'. First introduced by the French longbowmen in the middle ages. It was known that longbowmen needed their middle finegr to fire arrows at the enemy. Essentially, they 'Flipped Off' their enemy, a derisive way of proving that they can still kill them. It still works today even! It is, in a rounabout way, a simple way of saying 'F.uck You, I can still kill you.'

    Of course, it is not called the 'French Victory Salute' for the same fact that the French have no victory songs, and their victory flag is a white picture on a white background with a white border.

  • HaysHays Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,262
  • jlmartajlmarta Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,440
    Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

    In other news... we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket". It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.

    Just keeping you up to date.

    Marty

  • cabinetmakercabinetmaker Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,561
    jlmarta:
    Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

    In other news... we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket". It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.

    Just keeping you up to date.

    Marty

    This I like, lol.
  • RCCCigarRCCCigar Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 106
    A man walked into an Irish pub and sat down next to an old guy at the bar. The old guy looked at him and said "You see that house over there? I built that. With my own two hands, my flesh and my blood, my sweat and my tears went into that house. But they don't call me O'Reiley the House Bulider" He went on and said "You see that bridge over there? I built that. With my own two hands, my flesh and my blood, my sweat and my tears went into that bridge. But they don't call me O'reiley the Bridge Builder" After that he said "You see that boat over there? I built that. With my own two hands, my flesh and my blood, my sweat and my tears went into that boat. But they don't call me O'Reiley the Boat Builder." And then he paused for a second and said "But you fxxk ONE goat....."
  • cabinetmakercabinetmaker Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,561
    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  • jlmartajlmarta Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,440
    Ohhh! Pain, agony. That one was so bad it hurt me - terribly.

    Marty

  • HeavyHeavy Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 1,590
    cabinetmaker:
    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
    Ha!
  • kaspera79kaspera79 Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 7,144
    Pretty funny Cabi...
  • mfotismfotis Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 720
    What do you say to a women with two black eyes?

    Nothing.....you've done told her twice....
  • wwesternwwestern Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 1,386
    What do you get when you mix 50 state workers and 50 lesbians?


    100 people who won't do di ck.
  • RCCCigarRCCCigar Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 106
    A man walked into a bar and saw a sign that said: Hamburgers-$1 Cheeseburgers-$2, Handjobs-$10. Puzzled, he looked around and saw a cute blonde behind the bar. He approached the young lady and said "Excuse me miss, but are you the one that gives the handjobs?" She looked around and with a coy look, she said "Why, yes I am." The man said "Cool, can you wash your hands? I want a cheeseburger."
  • skweekzskweekz Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,218
    A doctor, a Chinese business man, a priest and an Italian are all playing golf together. They are behind the slowest moving foresome ever, causing a delay in play. They call to the course marshall and ask him to speed the group along. The marshall says, "Oh I can't do that. They're heros! They're four blind firemen! A few months back, there was a big explosion and fire in our clubhouse. Those 4 men risked their own lives to save everyone, and as a result, all ended up blind!"

    Touched by this news, the doctor says "I will dedicate the rest of my career to restore the eye sight of these heros!"

    The Chinese business man says "I will donote $500 million dollars to fund the research of technology to give them sight again!"

    The Priest says, "I will pray to the Holy Father twice a day that these brave, brave heros may see again!"

    The Italian says, "Can't they just play at night?"
  • The SniperThe Sniper Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,910
    skweekz:
    A doctor, a Chinese business man, a priest and an Italian are all playing golf together. They are behind the slowest moving foresome ever, causing a delay in play. They call to the course marshall and ask him to speed the group along. The marshall says, "Oh I can't do that. They're heros! They're four blind firemen! A few months back, there was a big explosion and fire in our clubhouse. Those 4 men risked their own lives to save everyone, and as a result, all ended up blind!"

    Touched by this news, the doctor says "I will dedicate the rest of my career to restore the eye sight of these heros!"

    The Chinese business man says "I will donote $500 million dollars to fund the research of technology to give them sight again!"

    The Priest says, "I will pray to the Holy Father twice a day that these brave, brave heros may see again!"

    The Italian says, "Can't they just play at night?"
    LMAO!!! I didnt even know Tuccelli played golf....

  • LasabarLasabar Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 4,457
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