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When does compassion end?

jd50aejd50ae Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 4,109
You have heard my rants about parasitic step kids.

I think I have made my feelings about illegal drugs clear.

I posted about a very late phone call a couple of days ago and it appears the police did a good job of handling the situation.

The manager of a stop and rob called about a customer (my really stupid stepson) being too impaired to be driving a car, good on him. Stupid goes to wash his borrowed car at the same location and the police come. The police wanted to be lenient but stupid made that impossible. He had in his pocket hydros, Xanax and tramadol(?). He was also driving with my grandson, who was on a visitation, in the car. They took him to jail and he bonded himself out. My grandson was returned home to our house. Now stupid is on parole/probation for a 9 year stretch and will be seeing his PO this week. I fully expect him to be returned to finish his sentence. Tough and good riddance.

Now the question about compassion. His wife, who has a job, is already making noise about moving in with us. My wife has already accepted it, but I have not. She is a bigger flake then he is and I don't want her here. She is a chronic liar and a thief. On top of that she will take any drug out there, I don't want her near her kids.

The compassion is for my wife, do I give in? Or do I cause more trouble by refusing? We live on such a tight budget that this month there was nothing left for me to splurge and an extra mouth to feed scares me. Now, if she does move in she will pay, but in the past it has always "I'll pay you next month". They owe us so much money I quit counting it up. Am I wrong to feel this way? It kind of goes against my belief that we were put on this earth to take care of it and each other. When is enough really enough?

Comments

  • roland_7707roland_7707 Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,647
    No sir. I dont think that you are wrong, sometimes the best thing that we can do for people is pray. In my openion its better that a hand-out.
  • jd50aejd50ae Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 4,109
    roland_7707:
    No sir. I dont think that you are wrong, sometimes the best thing that we can do for people is pray. In my openion its better that a hand-out.


    people don't understand why I would rather be around dogs the humans.
  • avengethisavengethis Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 1,193
    While my kids are young yet and I have not had to experience this my stance is and will be that the best lessons are the ones learned the hard way. If it where me I would push back against the wife a little to try and stop her from moving in. I wouldn't ruin my marriage over it if she doesn't back down but I would make my feelings known and try to enforce it.
  • jd50aejd50ae Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 4,109
    avengethis:
    While my kids are young yet and I have not had to experience this my stance is and will be that the best lessons are the ones learned the hard way. If it where me I would push back against the wife a little to try and stop her from moving in. I wouldn't ruin my marriage over it if she doesn't back down but I would make my feelings known and try to enforce it.


    Oh believe me my feelings and opinions will be heard two counties over.
  • honorknight7honorknight7 Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 525
    ((My Personal Opinion Only))
    I am really big into helping family, and will do whatever I can whenever I can to help as long as it WILL help, I will not help out any family member if all that help does is give them the excuse to continue there silliness, And I wont do anything that will cause conflict for my household, or invite deceit, harm, and/or theft in our household. If the wife's family need help with something and it's an inconvenience to me but I will get over it, no problem just do it, but if it's something that can cause a lot of arguing between us and harm Our relationship (the wife and mine) and cause our bills to suffer, or the above listed harm/theft it wont happen period. The wife and I agreed long ago that if we sit down and talk logically about something we are thinking about doing for someone, and either cant agree about the long run of it between us, or that its just a hot topic from the start that causes arguments then we don't do it because of the damage it may cause our relationship - and no bullsh!t arguing about it to get the end result wanted, we must sit down and have a good honest logical talk about it even using paper and pen with PRO & CON lists for reference
    I don't assume to say I have any idea about how you and your wife decide things, but in my experience as long as the ones involved in making the final decision can sit down, talk openly, honestly, and Logically ((and keep emotions & tempers out of it !)) about the issue and the effects it can cause down the road, are usually able to agree on the next step and move forward one way or the other
  • Amos UmwhatAmos Umwhat Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,523
    I feel you.

    I wish I could have back the thousands of $ my sense of compassion has compelled me to lose in vain attempts to help various friends and family members. Not gonna happen, though. Very very rarely is the help appreciated, and even more rarely repaid or reciprocated in any way.

    JMHO, don't let the flake in, you and your wife will suffer and regret it.
  • james40james40 Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,450
    Just curious where her parents are and whether they are helping out. It doesn't just have to fall on your shoulders. I would definitely make out that list, plan out what I have to say, and then talk to your wife in a calm but demeanor. This will allow her to get her emotions out and then you can have a serious discussion.
    I don't even your situation but my daughters last BF smoked mota and thought he could waltz over all the time high. That ended pretty quickly. If you ever want to unload, please feel free to PM me.
  • Bob LukenBob Luken Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,664
    I feel for you James. I'd hate to be in your shoes but you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. But I'm with you as far as how I feel about humans vs dogs and I don't even HAVE a dog at the moment. People suck.
  • twistedstemtwistedstem Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,691
    jd50ae:
    roland_7707:
    No sir. I dont think that you are wrong, sometimes the best thing that we can do for people is pray. In my openion its better that a hand-out.


    people don't understand why I would rather be around dogs the humans.
    I hear that brother.sometimes you need to show some tough love!and I'm kinda the same when it comes to donating to charity I'm more likely to give to the humane society or the ASPCA.unfortunately sounds like your in a tough spot trying to make everyone happy.try and stay strong Jim!
  • First WarriorFirst Warrior Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 707
    My compassion ends with people who lie and steal. I feel for you JD, what a position for you to be in. Is there no way you can talk to your other half about reality? If you let this parasite move in you will never get her out. Of course you know that. I got no answers for you but if this person breaks the law (drugs) I would explain to her that you will call law enforcement. I would tell her that no drugs, and no drinking because of the children. I don't think she understands nice but she probably understands threats. Good luck and you can PM me anytime.
  • perkinkeperkinke Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 1,562
    Tough question, I suspect it being your stepson complicates matters even more than if it was your joint child. I will bend over backwards to try and help people who are legitimately trying, heck, I wouldn't be alive right now if not for friends helping me and at one point drawing an ironclad line saying "stop what you're doing or you are never welcome in my home again;" but they have to be honestly trying. Don't need an answer, but have you and your wife talked to a counselor? Sometimes it helps to have a disinterested third party to talk to, or even the stepson's PO might be a good resource.
  • jadeltjadelt Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 766
    From my own personal experience, tough love is the only thing that worked. Kid had to get really down (in jail) before he figured out life. He is doing great now at 35 years old. Not sure it will work in your case but in mine, being extremely tough and not assisting his bad behavior helped to set him right.

    Wifey may just want you to be the bad guy. I vote just say no.
  • jd50aejd50ae Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 4,109
    This is getting better and better.

    The other stepson's "fiance" is getting stupid drugs, she gets them from her father. She is pregnant. It ain't the stepson's and he hasn't figured that out.

    Stupid calls his mother yesterday and wants to talk to me, ain't happening. He wants to know what he can do to make things right between us, tried that once before and he got thrown out of the house. I can only think his parole officer or a lawyer told him he is going to need some people to stand up for him in court and vouch for him..it ain't me lord...it ain't me. He has done this type of thing before and it always always ends up worse then the last time. His promises and his word ain't worth diddly poop.

    And no one is talking about the fact that he had our grandson in the car when he got popped for being impaired and a pocket full of drugs.....I am the only one who remembers that.

    Folks you can't make this stuff up. And if I was not close to the situation I would not believe it.

    Gonna light up a Zombie that BigShizza sent me, seems like a good choice.

    The proceeding has been for entertainment purposes only and none of the names have been changed to protect anyone. Check your local listings for further episodes.

    I think after the Zombie I will smoke an Asylum and then maybe a Delirium. Taking suggestions......
  • webmostwebmost Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,131
    JD, you keep talking about Stupid, and now about the other stepson's cohabitor. But what about your grandson's mother? She's the one asking for your help now, am I right? Has she, herself, robbed you yet? Or is she getting painted with the same brush? Was it her or Stupid let you down?

    Why does your wife want her in the house? This you have not said.

    For what it's worth, I always gave all my step children the opportunity to rob me. I remember the first time, the wife warned me: "He'll steal from us. He has from me." I answered: "Well, he hasn't stolen yet from me." I gave him a chance, and he absconded overnight with a klunker car, some money, tools, and I forget what all else. Big deal. Better than being robbed by strangers. Years later, we raised his children. Later, took him and brood in again. In each instance, we ourselves were poor as church mice. We got by though. The only reason I have a small business on the side to this day is that I started it to make ends meet when feeding his tots. No, I absolutely do not buy the argument that a tight budget cannot feed an extra mouth. You divide it out. You work harder. The best meal is a table full of family. Anything an onion goes into can feed an army. Potato soup is a feast. I do not buy the argument that if you require her to pay she will owe you money. That's simple to solve: don't require her to pay. Why would you set yourself up for failure? Ask her to help with the dishes. Ask her to cook dinner Thursdays. Ask her to bring home sticky buns on the way from her work. At least she's got a job. Ask her to baby sit the grandson while you take the old lady to Sizzler's. Ask her to come to church with you. What you don't ask is, you don't ask for gratitude. That's not in human nature.

    What if she does turn around and respond to love? Is that an opportunity you would want to miss?

    She's asking you.



    JMTC and you do what you have to.
    but... Ain't life just grand?
  • jlmartajlmarta Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 3,440
    I guess I'm just a hard-ass, JD, but I'll say it as concisely as I know how: there's a damned fine line between compassion and being an enabler. You'll have to find that line on your own because I haven't walked in your shoes but my advice to you is DON'T BE AN ENABLER. Believe me, it only makes things worse.
  • EchambersEchambers Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 2,335
    webmost:
    JD, you keep talking about Stupid, and now about the other stepson's cohabitor. But what about your grandson's mother? She's the one asking for your help now, am I right? Has she, herself, robbed you yet? Or is she getting painted with the same brush? Was it her or Stupid let you down?

    Why does your wife want her in the house? This you have not said.

    For what it's worth, I always gave all my step children the opportunity to rob me. I remember the first time, the wife warned me: "He'll steal from us. He has from me." I answered: "Well, he hasn't stolen yet from me." I gave him a chance, and he absconded overnight with a klunker car, some money, tools, and I forget what all else. Big deal. Better than being robbed by strangers. Years later, we raised his children. Later, took him and brood in again. In each instance, we ourselves were poor as church mice. We got by though. The only reason I have a small business on the side to this day is that I started it to make ends meet when feeding his tots. No, I absolutely do not buy the argument that a tight budget cannot feed an extra mouth. You divide it out. You work harder. The best meal is a table full of family. Anything an onion goes into can feed an army. Potato soup is a feast. I do not buy the argument that if you require her to pay she will owe you money. That's simple to solve: don't require her to pay. Why would you set yourself up for failure? Ask her to help with the dishes. Ask her to cook dinner Thursdays. Ask her to bring home sticky buns on the way from her work. At least she's got a job. Ask her to baby sit the grandson while you take the old lady to Sizzler's. Ask her to come to church with you. What you don't ask is, you don't ask for gratitude. That's not in human nature.

    What if she does turn around and respond to love? Is that an opportunity you would want to miss?

    She's asking you.



    JMTC and you do what you have to.
    but... Ain't life just grand?
    ^^^ This.

    No one likes to be taken advantage of but more often than not when it happens it was because we approached the situation with love and compassion. Does this mean we should stop being compassionate? I hope not. The most important job Jesus gives us is to love. It's important to remember that he didn't say we needed to be "in love." Being "in love" is a state, a condition. Gammarians will tell you it is an adjective that describes a noun or a pronoun (as in "JD is in love"). But love, I suggest, is more property thought of as a verb--it's an action a thing that you do, not a state you are in. Love her. If she steals from you, love her. If she uses drugs, love her. Use your love to help her become a better person and a better mother,

    and of course, in the process, protect your family. Here is what I would say, "We would love to help you out by letting you stay here. Money is tight but we will make it work--it may be that we a eating beans for dinner most nights but we will make it work. When you have money and you can help us out that would be great--but if you can't we will still make it work. We know that you've had a drug problem in the past and we will help you there to, to the best of our ability. You need to know, though, that you cannot be in our home when you are using drugs or under the influence of drugs. No exceptions! If you need to use some night than you will be responsible for finding a different place to stay that night..." And then any other conditions.

    Just my opinion.
  • Lee.mcglynnLee.mcglynn Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 5,228
    Sorry to hear this jd...I myself was a horrible little *** early in life. I know it's tough right now and I can't say what you should do but I think you need to go to a nar-annon meeting and ask for advise on what to do. I would take you wife as well...if you don't know what this is it is a meeting for the family of addicts that share all that they have gone through. I think you'll find the best advice There! And maybe even understand what your son in law is going through
  • jd50aejd50ae Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 4,109
    We have taken all 4 of them in on 3 separate occasions.,

    1. They lived in MN and called for permission to move in so they could start over and get away from drugs. They would get jobs and pay the electric bill. They left screaming insults and accusations and have never paid us a dime.

    2. They were arrested for the manufacture and selling crack. This is while they were living with his sister. It cost his sister's family over $15,000.00 to be able to move back in their house. We found out later he was bring the manufacturing waste and burning it in our fire pit and dumping it down the side of the hill. The grand kids were visiting here when they were arrested and we sued for guardianship.

    3. They both got 9 year sentences which included child endangerment. After 6 months they were released and moved back in with us. Again more promises and none were kept. Again they left with screaming threats and accusations.

    4. He got sick and ended up in the hospital and when he got out guess where he went. They treated our house like a motel with an endless hospitality bar and we were their maids. Again screaming and threats, this time because I asked him to shut the refrigerator door. He moved into a house with his brother, who moved out as soon as he could.

    5. This last round he should have gone to prison, but guess what, he is going to "Anger Management" classes. The only good thing that came out of it is his wife will not be moving in.

    We have fed them. We have clothed them. We have housed them. My wife paid his prison commissary bills. I found out just lately my wife paid for a lot more I did not know about. We traveled to his prison so people could visit. He has borrowed and either failed to return the items or returned them broke. His wife has emptied their daughters piggy bank. The grand kids do not want to live with them. They still have unsupervised visitation rights which is just plain wrong. They are both liars, cheats and thieves. And thru all of this they have not attempted to pay us back a dime or help with the kids expenses. They both have jobs and they bring in more money then I do and we do without a lot so the kids will have what they need. They both have jobs and made no payments on their truck and it got re-possessed while the wife was at Wall-Mart. So guess who drives the wife back and forth to work, at 130AM.The kids are both A students and both belong to the Honor society. The parents need to be as far away from the kids as possible, and if it were up to me they would be.

    Love, compassion, kindness, spending what little we have to help them out? They belong in prison. The only help they will never get from this household will have to be behind my back, which won't surprise me at all. Even the sister and brother want them in prison.

    My apologies for even starting this thread but I have no where else to let it out.
  • avengethisavengethis Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 1,193
    jd50ae:
    We have taken all 4 of them in on 3 separate occasions.,

    1. They lived in MN and called for permission to move in so they could start over and get away from drugs. They would get jobs and pay the electric bill. They left screaming insults and accusations and have never paid us a dime.

    2. They were arrested for the manufacture and selling crack. This is while they were living with his sister. It cost his sister's family over $15,000.00 to be able to move back in their house. We found out later he was bring the manufacturing waste and burning it in our fire pit and dumping it down the side of the hill. The grand kids were visiting here when they were arrested and we sued for guardianship.

    3. They both got 9 year sentences which included child endangerment. After 6 months they were released and moved back in with us. Again more promises and none were kept. Again they left with screaming threats and accusations.

    4. He got sick and ended up in the hospital and when he got out guess where he went. They treated our house like a motel with an endless hospitality bar and we were their maids. Again screaming and threats, this time because I asked him to shut the refrigerator door. He moved into a house with his brother, who moved out as soon as he could.

    5. This last round he should have gone to prison, but guess what, he is going to "Anger Management" classes. The only good thing that came out of it is his wife will not be moving in.

    We have fed them. We have clothed them. We have housed them. My wife paid his prison commissary bills. I found out just lately my wife paid for a lot more I did not know about. We traveled to his prison so people could visit. He has borrowed and either failed to return the items or returned them broke. His wife has emptied their daughters piggy bank. The grand kids do not want to live with them. They still have unsupervised visitation rights which is just plain wrong. They are both liars, cheats and thieves. And thru all of this they have not attempted to pay us back a dime or help with the kids expenses. They both have jobs and they bring in more money then I do and we do without a lot so the kids will have what they need. They both have jobs and made no payments on their truck and it got re-possessed while the wife was at Wall-Mart. So guess who drives the wife back and forth to work, at 130AM.The kids are both A students and both belong to the Honor society. The parents need to be as far away from the kids as possible, and if it were up to me they would be.

    Love, compassion, kindness, spending what little we have to help them out? They belong in prison. The only help they will never get from this household will have to be behind my back, which won't surprise me at all. Even the sister and brother want them in prison.

    My apologies for even starting this thread but I have no where else to let it out.
    Man JD you have a lot going on. It sounds like you are giving the kids the upbringing they need and you are doing what you can to keep a roof over their head and food on the table. Let it out here brother so you can focus on them when you are around them.
  • First WarriorFirst Warrior Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 707
    No apology needed JD. Any way you can get a restraining order on them? For the children.
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